This week I decided that Fridays would be a good day to go off topic. Today, instead of recommending a totally wicked movie for you to watch over the weekend, I would like to discuss another subject. I call it ‘When Small Things Attack.’
On Wednesday my boss and I were discussing movies, as we sometimes do. At one point the movie Dolls was brought up and my boss was like, "why would anyone be afraid of a doll? They’re so little. You can just kick them away." To which I responded, "dolls are beyond freaky. They are the scariest of the scary. Don’t mess with a doll, man."
The conversation made me think of other movies I saw as a kid with miniature monsters. I guess they were big in the 80’s. Today, I would like to share some thoughts on these films. And if you like cheesy, ridiculous horror movies like many of us do, by all means, watch them.
Warning: Images below may be disturbing for some readers.
Gremlins (1884)
A boy inadvertently breaks 3 important rules concerning his new pet and unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town. IMDB
I love this movie. If you've never seen it then I feel sorry for you.
Is it scary? The bad gremlins are freaky, but they never really frightened me, even when I was a kid. The reason: Gizmo. How could anything truly evil come from something so cute and fluffy?
So why am I bringing this up? I don't know. It's about small creatures attaching people. It fits.
Dolls (1887)
A group of people stop by a mansion during a storm and discover two magical toy makers, and their haunted collection of dolls. IMDB
I have no recollection of ever seeing this movie. My other sister, not Allie, swears that I did. I disagreed, so she started telling me about it in order to convince me. Half way though her summary a small voice in the back of my mind said please, God, make her stop!
The only conclusion that I can make from this is that the idea of dolls being evil was so terrifying to me that I blocked it from my memory.
The Gate (1987)
Three young children accidentally release a horde of nasty, pint-sized demons from a hole in a suburban backyard. What follows is a classic battle between good and evil as the three kids struggle to overcome a nightmarish hell that is literally taking over the Earth. IMDB
I’m pretty sure this was one of the first horror movies I ever saw, and it's stuck with me over the years. I think about those little pink demons from time to time. (You should know that the picture above shows them gripping the pegs of a staircase banister. That’s now tiny they are.)
But for the longest time I couldn’t remember the name of this movie. I did remember the basic plot, the hole in the back yard, the tiny creatures. I brought it up on a number of occasions, to see if anyone else had seen it. I'd say something like, "you know that movie with the little naked demons and the staircase and the hole in the backyard?" People always thought I was making it up. After a while, I started to think maybe they were right.
Then, this past summer, A’s boss at the Buster told me the name and I was like yes! The Gate. That’s it. I immediately put it in my Netflix queue. As I watched it climb higher and higher on the list, a tiny ball of fear and despair began growing in my belly. It made me start to remember more scenes from the movie. Then I realized, THEY were getting closer and closer. They even entered my dreams.
They made it all the way to position 5 before they got the axe. No way am I ever watching this movie again.
Child’s Play (1988)
A chubby toy doll named Chucky becomes an instrument of terror in director Tom Holland's unnerving tale of horror. Before cops gun down a serial killer, he invokes a spell that transfers his soul into the body of Chucky -- who ends up as a birthday present for 6-year-old Andy Barclay. When a rash of murders ensures, he knows Chucky is the culprit but neither Andy's mother nor the police believe him. Netflix
When I was eight years old I had a truly great Christmas. I got a mountain of Legos, the new Batmobile and the female My Buddy doll. Not long after that I went though a ‘I want to be a beautician phase,’ which was my way of saying that I liked to play with scissors. Everyone in the closet with hair got a trim, including My Buddy. Unfortunately, my skills with a pair of blades were abysmal. My Buddy’s hair got shorter and shorter as I tried to fix my mistakes. When I was done, she looked like the blonde version of Chucky.
I didn’t notice the similarity. Other sister did. She hated Chucky. He was the only thing she ever feared. Finally, I had something over her. She had age and size and strength, but I had Chucky. (Other sister if you’re reading this you should know… I still do. <insert evil laugh>)
Leprechaun (1988)
When Dan O'Grady returns home after stealing an Irish leprechaun's pot of gold, he thinks he can settle down and enjoy his newfound wealth. He thought wrong. The leprechaun followed him. O'Grady barely gets away with his life, having locked the monster in his basement. Ten years later, J.D. and his spoiled daughter Tory move in. By accident, the leprechaun is released and immediately starts to look for his gold. IMDB
When I was in elementary school, my dad was on the state board of public accountants. Every summer, we’d spend a week in San Destin, Florida for a yearly CPA conference. San Destin, Florida is the birthplace of all my childhood phobias.
The last summer we spent there, my mom and I went on a three-hour deep-sea fishing trip. (Never go on a 3-hour boating tour. Ever! They are jinxed.) The sea was in a major twist that day with swells bigger than our boat. I was ten. I weighted about 75 pounds. I spent the entire trip holding onto the railings for dear life. The 500-pound cooler on the desk was being pushed around like a tin cup, so as you can imagine, I had a difficult time staying on-board. It took eight years before I was ready to get on another boat.
The summer before that, I got stuck in an elevator by myself for the longest twenty minutes of life. I still prefer taking the stairs.
The summer before that, however, was by far the worst. My parents dropped me and my two sisters off in a conference room to be babysat by college students so they could take the night off. One of the young adults handling our care decided it would be a good idea to let us watch Leprechaun.
At that time in my life I had a friend named Arthur. Arthur and I loved scary movies. Jason and Freddie were daily fixtures for us. We could watch Halloween without even flinching, but something about that little green devil freaked me out. I spent the entire night rolled up in a ball crying for my parents.
I have never been a fan of St. Patrick’s Day. Now I know why. Thank you Jennifer Aniston.
In conclusion, monsters are scary. Tiny monsters are horrifying.
For those of you who are still not convinced that little things are frightening, I leave you with the following animated short. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Legendary is about a nerdy high school student joining the wrestling team in an attempt to re-connect with his family.
